If you ever read USA TODAY ("The Nation's Newspaper"), you know that on Monday's, radio host and CNN bigwig Larry King, a self professed liberal and a very, very, wierd looking individual, has this kind of stream of consciousness column where he just kind of wastes a page or so of the paper writing whatever pops into the gray matter housed within his very sizable and strangely misshapen cranium.(Honestly, with a head that large and alien shaped perched atop a neck that can be no more than 3 or 4 inches in diameter, I believe he is in serious danger of paralysis every time he makes a sudden movement.)

But anyway, I was thinkng that this column, which Larry makes so lame by his constant schmoozing of these Hollywood types he wants as guests on his show; his praise of the left wing pinko politicians he wants to further his liberal causes; his continual dissing of Rush Limbaugh; and his horribly off base sports predictions; would be very cool if it were written by someone much more hip and intelligent than Larry.

I couldn't find anyone like that so I decided to do it....

So like a fungus, a plague, or an Alanis Morissette single, this column will start small and eventually grow to heinously large proportions; encompassing the whole earth before whoever runs this internet thing shuts me down.

Give me some feedback as to how profound or what an idiot you find me to be.

And now, I rant.......

After 8 years of hearing and seeing the news media and the majority of America defend Bill Clinton, I now feel like "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in "They Live". Like I'm wearing secret decoder glasses. "Crap detectors" if you will. (Thanks Bill Mallonnee).

I wonder how many backwoods idiots are still hunkered down in their Y2K bunkers; gourging themselves on Spam and Capri-Sun, and crapping in Zip-Lock freezer bags?

Who else is up for a Trump-Ventura ticket this year? That would be the greatest media circus in the history of politics.
Jesse Ventura makes Dan Quayle look like Steven Hawking.

Did you see Joe Perry and Steven Tyler at the Billboard Music awards? They, along with Keith Richards, have morphed into snakemen like in the 70's film classic "SSSSSSS!".

Has the Rev.(?) Jesse Jackson ever had a real job? Or a church?

This just in from the Circular Reasoning Department: Our supply of decent water is running low; so say enviromentalists. They also say global warming is bad; because it will melt the polar ice caps, which will in turn give us more fresh water.....

Question: Why wiggaz?

Michael Jackson has grown a beard. Have you seen this? He looks like a chihuahua from the planet Neptune.

It's no surprise to me that Sean 'Puffy' Combs has hooked up with Jennifer Lopez. When he walks behind Jennifer it gives him fond memories of the Notorious B.I.G..

What's smaller than an atom? The combined talent of Britney Spears, T.L.C., Jennifer Lopez, and Tommy Lee.

Question: Will this be the season that Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire finally "out" themselves?

If I get one more e-mail that tells me I can make something funny happen by forwarding it to ten of my friends I swear I'll stop taking my lithium. (because you see when people stop taking their medication they can become violent....
Explanation for my wife.)

Anybody else love those surreal, crystal clear allergy tablet commercials?

I wish someone else besides my wife got my sense of humor. I'm really quite funny.

Television. Without it, where would we get our memories? (props to John Henson)

The following are some of my awards of the decade/year/millenium:
"The Ranties"

Invention of the Century (aside from the obvious K-Y Jelly and Antibiotics): I'd have to say the Gordita.

Top two albums of the Decade:U2-Achtung Baby, The Verve-Urban Hymns

Tragedy of the Decade: Ah, so many to choose from....
The Oklahoma City bombing, The Columbine Massacre, The Clinton Presidency.....
But I'd have to say John Henson leaving Talk Soup and The Verve breaking up would be tied for the top spot.

Band of the Decade: Vigilantes of Love. I defy anyone to find a band that released a more substantial body of work in the Nineties.

Most Influential Person of the Decade: Rush Limbaugh. You may think it's sad but it's true.

Guitarist of the Decade:Joe Satriani

Guitarist of the millenium: Jimi Hendrix

T.V. Show of the decade: Seinfeld

Fraud of the Decade: Tie: The O.J. Verdict/The Clinton presidency

Well, the secret's finally out. The mysterious sperm donor that sired the children of celebrity lezbo Melissa Etheridge is none other than former drug addict/alcoholic/liver transplant survivor David Crosby.
Ethical and moral questions aside; couldn't someone of Melissas' considerable wealth have gotten some sperm from a little higher up in the gene pool? David Crosby, bless his heart, looks like a cross between a Koala bear and an aging sea lion.
In a related story, comedian Buddy Hackett was recently seen exiting the posh Beverly Hills estate of Ellen DeGeneres.

From the came-right-outta-left field department: It has been reported recently that Howard Stern is getting a divorce.
Whoa! Who would have ever saw that coming?

If Howard Stern hadn't taken a liking to Robin Quivers, she'd be lucky to hold a job at a 7-11.
Hearing her read the news; mispronouncing every name, not having a clue about the stories she's "reporting" on, is the most humorous thing about that show.

Pair most likely to be discovered to be long lost twins: Bono and Robin Williams. They may in fact be the same person. Have these two ever been phtographed in the same room together?

Most overrated artist of the millenium: Kurt Kobain. You blow your brains out, you become a genius.... Go figure.

No talent in need of a bath award: Jeaneane Garafolo. Is she greasy or what?

Does anyone else think it ironic that Braves pitcher Dennis Rocker is considered a lunatic and forced to undergo psychological treatment for making very valid points about the lamentable state of today's society; while another rocker, Marilyn Manson, spews his hate filled venom to the masses virtually unchallenged by the national media?

Most unfairly slandered man of the decade: Pat Buchanan

Self absorbed, psuedo-intellectual wannabe award: TIE- Sharon Stone/Alanis Morrisette